Monday, October 6, 2008

Will this be the last?

I know, I know. That really isnt a healthy question to ask myself. But i Keep thinking it. I can't help it and believe me I have tried. I don't want to think it. I don't want to imagine it. It Can't be. Because he and I aren't finished yet. But what if we are?

He tells me he will be safe. That " hell just be doing comm stuff ". But what about what he sees, what about what he hears. What if he does come home to me, and he isnt him. Or worse, he doesn't come home.

Will this be the last time he celebrates Bri's birthday. Will he ever celebrate another birthday for Lucas. Our last ( and only second, even though we've been together so so long ) anniversary. God, we deserve more than two anniversaries. We've fought so long and hard to get here. May will be 2 and a half years since we got married, and by then we will have spent a year of that two and a half apart. How is that right? How is that ok? Doesn't anyone realize that he is mine and they can't borrow him? He is supposed to be here, being a dad and a husband. Not there. Anywhere but there. Here with me is where he is needed. I need him.

Will this be the last time he gets me sick? I'd stay sick for the rest of my life if it meant he got to stay here with me. And I am sick. Sick and tired. Sick with worry. Sick with this stupid bug he gave me after getting his stupid flu mist that has me up , awake and crying and unable to breath when I should be cuddled in bed next to him.

I can't bring myself to look forward to anything. Cause anything that happens brings us one day closer to when he will go. We figured out what Lucas is going to be for Halloween ( rocket from little einstiens ) and he is so excited, but I can only pretend to be excited that my baby is excited. And Bri is so excited about her snow white costume, and her upcoming party, and I can only pretend to be excited.

There were Christmas decorations in the store, and I don't want to see them. Cause when Christmas comes, its really over. It will be almost January. And January needs to not come. We need to skip from December to May. Cause if we dont he is going to miss Valentines day, and the anniversary of when we met, and his birthday, and Lucas' birthday. And Dammit that just is not supposed to happen. So the Christmas decorations need to just get put the frick away.

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